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If an upset stays with you, it builds into a resentment. A resentment is a fundamental disagreement with the nature of a reality. This could be about a person's way of being. Even though they may do things that are outright upsetting, the resentment lives in you and it is you who is responsible for resolving it. They may or may not change as a result of you resolving the resentment. However, if you don't do any work to resolve your part of the pattern, that leaves 50% of the pattern intact.
It is especially difficult to bring your resentment to the person you are resenting. Odds are that they are already aware that you are resenting them so they may be ultra sensitive to any charge of judgment that you bring. It takes immense skill and mindfulness to bring your resentment to a person you are resenting in a non-judgmental way and, even if you do this perfectly, they may still get upset. You can throw out any notion that there is some magical way to bring it to them that will avoid all pain. What you can do is learn to empathize. You can tell them about your hurt and empathize with their reaction. "I imagine this may be really hard to hear." Then breathe and stay in connection to yourself. Whatever they choose to do with the resentment is up to them and it will inform your next move. You are not obligated to fix their feelings, follow them around, or mask how you feel. Stay with what's true. It used to be that a Man could get by with holding doors open, buying roses, and putting food on the table. In turn, women would be smitten, expecting nothing more, and doting over their hard-working husbands.
*cue sound of plane in a nosedive. Not anymore! The great comedian Dave Chapelle once put it like this, “chivalry is dead...and women killed it.” The audience roared with laughter! They say jokes are only funny if they are true so, it’s worth taking a look at what’s going on here. Did women kill chivalry? The bottom line is NO but, there is a catch. Women ARE pushing back against what chivalry WAS and they seem to be fed up with their role in this out dated dynamic. If I were to make contact with my own presumptive inner dialogue of a woman who is tired of that shit, it would sound like this: “Yeah, I see you in your efforts to show your care AND I’m feeling confused about how you’re expecting me to feel about our relationship when you are emotionally absent at home.” See, I don’t think anyone killed chivalry. We just made up a definition for it and called it good. The new chivalry is the real chivalry, by definition. Chivalry - “the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.” This should apply everywhere and not just on date nights or Valentine’s Day. The new chivalry is honoring your partner for who they are. It is being courteous while speaking with her. It is having the courage to show your vulnerable side and look deeper into yourself. It is showing up to the relationship with a readiness to work things out instead of watching the game, hiding out at work, or going out for beers. We don't have to blame woman anymore. We can be the change. |
Bryce BauerRelationship Coach Archives
July 2021
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