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"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
-Rumi
Individual
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Couples
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Men's Retreat
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The Process for Couples Work
Every couple has their own unique patterns that play out during times of stress. This is a mix of attachment style reactions, a lack of education/skillfulness, unrepaired ruptures, and current stresses. Once we figure out your pattern, it's very predictable. When he/she brings something that feels like criticism, you defend. When you defend, he/she gets more upset. When you try to suppress or "fix" their feelings, they feel more unheard and get more upset. When they get more upset, you blow up or shut down. Eventually, you both shut down and remain disconnected. Simple, right?
Here is the general process...
Step 1: Gather Information about both partners (past trauma, addictions, relationship history, current complaints, betrayals, affairs, etc.)
Step 2: Assess for any Power Imbalances and Emotional Abuse
(read more here: www.couplestherapyinc.com/emotional-abuse-therapy/)
* this will dictate the cadence for Individual vs. Couples Work
Step 3: Identify the Relational Pattern (Losing Strategies, triggers, blind spots)
Step 4: Get Clear on each person's Desire (validation, more vulnerability, compassion, listening, more family focus, willingness to work things out, etc.)
Step 5: Develop New Relational Plan (Interventions, Relational Skills, Boundaries, Education)
Step 6: Commit/ Practice and bring your questions, struggles, and stuck points back into the next session
Step 7: Repeat until the Relational Pattern is manageable (usually 3-6 months)
What is Relationship Coaching?
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The type of Relationship Coaching I do is based on the principles of secure adult attachment, emotional attunement, and mindfulness. Instead of "talking" about the issues or explaining the tools, I find that jumping right into the mix is the quickest and most effective way to initiate change, growth, and healing.
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Meet the Coach
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Bryce completed his first coach training in 2009 with The Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael, CA and went on to work for several drug treatment facilities in Utah, New Mexico, and Hawaii. After receiving his PCC from the International Coaches Federation in 2016, he moved into private practice and found that relationship struggles were often the common denominator in many people's life problems. He joined The Relationship School in 2018 and received his Relationship Coach Training Certification in 2019. He has gone on to serve as an Assistant Course Leader for the Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships Course and he is a Mentor Coach through The Relationship School. When he isn't geeking out about relationships or coaching, he is traveling with his wife, playing basketball, hiking, mountain biking, meditating, playing volleyball, and connecting with friends. He is deeply devoted to self development and he seeks out the top experts in the areas of life where he wants to grow the most. Some of his direct mentors include Jason Stein, Tej Steiner, and Jayson Gaddis.
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What does my marriage look like?
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This is probably the most important question of all, right? Jenny and I have been together since 2015 and we married in 2018. We both came to the relationship as very independent people who knew what we wanted out of a relationship. Initially, this caused some friction as we had trouble turning the "I" into a "We". Within 6 months of dating, we were in weekly therapy and we continued to get A TON of support through each step in our relationship. All the individual work we had done prior to meeting each other did not always translate into couple's work. Being in a committed relationship where you are sharing a home, navigating finances, combining family, and dealing with all the complexity of life requires a ton of work. We doubled down for each other and built the trust that we were going to show up, no matter how scary it felt. Presently, I feel more secure than I've ever felt in myself and my marriage. I love being a husband! I credit myself, Jenny, our families, and our many mentors for what we have been able to accomplish. Our core philosophy is that everything can be talked about and we will do whatever it takes until we both feel good about it. There are no taboos and no major sacrifices. We stay with it, as a team.
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What is the difference between coaching and therapy?
80-90% of the process is the same. I've received some amazing training from skilled therapists and I've worked for therapeutic programs. The main differences are speed, education, advice, and accountability . I take time to gather all the relevant information, understand your perspective, and validate you. HOWEVER, I don't think it's helpful for me to just sit there, nod my head, and listen to you. If you want that, I'm not your guy. I want to help you interrupt your negative thought patterns, explore the deeper feelings, and take action in your life. That requires me to interrupt you at times, give new perspectives, and challenge you to act in a way that aligns with your values. You should come into the sessions with questions and a clear agenda so we can get to work.
How long do people work with you?
Some people have only needed one session to get clear on an issue. I've had people that have been working with me for years. Usually, the base amount of time to make significant change on a big issue is 3-6 months, weekly or bi-weekly.
where do you meet?
You will notice that my google location is Salt Lake City. I started moving into remote work shortly before the pandemic when I lived in SLC. Mostly, this was because I work with people all over the country and this was the only way. Now, I'm almost fully remote and we have since moved to St. George, UT. I host 1-2 in-person retreats per year and we have some options for in-person intensives in St. George. Everything else is over Zoom.
is there anything you do that other therapists/ coaches don't do in couples counseling?
Yes, in most couples therapy, there is a strong emphasis on "building people up" who are feeling shame. I do that, too. One thing I do that most coach's/ therapists don't seem to do is to look for ways in which partners need to "be brought down" to place of humble vulnerability when they are behaving poorly, acting entitled, or walling off from their partners. EQUALITY is the key to created a safe, secure, healthy, fun relationship and it takes some courage to call out the power dynamics. I also believe it's important for me to give you my honest assessment. "If I were your partner, I'd be feeling..." I may give advice. "Your childhood strategy of shutting down, criticizing, or doing all the emotional work doesn't seem to be working for you. I suggest we find a better way." I may share my own personal experience in service of your goal. "For me, I've had to create a conscious practice of slowing down when my wife and I are in a disagreement. My losing strategy is to try to be right and it never works."
What are your qualifications?
- 6 Years as a Residential Counselor in Utah, New Mexico, and Hawaii
- Professionally Certified Coach through the International Coaches Federation (500 hours)
- Certified Individual Relationship Coach (The Relationship School)
- Certified Couples Coach (The Relationship School)
- Assistant Course Leader (Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships Course)
- Certified Circle Facilitator (Circle Anywhere)
- Currently training in Relational Life Therapy with Terry Real
who's not a good fit?
You are probably not a good fit to work with me if...
1. You need a higher level of care (chronic mental illness, active and unmanageable addiction, serious health/ pain problems)
2. You don't want to talk about feelings. I talk about feelings, a lot. I think it's the root of all of our stress. If you want to make more money, get in the gym more, or sleep with more people, there are coaches out there that can help. Not me.
3. You aren't in pain. Listen, pain is a huge motivator and it's often necessary to feel a certain amount of discomfort in order to really change your life. If things are feeling pretty good and you are getting positive feedback from your friends and family, keep up the good work!
1. You need a higher level of care (chronic mental illness, active and unmanageable addiction, serious health/ pain problems)
2. You don't want to talk about feelings. I talk about feelings, a lot. I think it's the root of all of our stress. If you want to make more money, get in the gym more, or sleep with more people, there are coaches out there that can help. Not me.
3. You aren't in pain. Listen, pain is a huge motivator and it's often necessary to feel a certain amount of discomfort in order to really change your life. If things are feeling pretty good and you are getting positive feedback from your friends and family, keep up the good work!
what if i/we need help asap and your calendar is booked out?
My schedule and booking is automated so slots tend to fill up 1-2 weeks out. If you want to get started asap, you can reach out to me at bryce@brycebauer.com and I may be able to see you sooner.