Relationship Counseling
Dear Couples,
Hey...
Does it seem like there is something missing? Do you imagine that you both could feel happier, healthier, and more connected in your relationship.
That's normal and you don't have to stay stuck.
There are EFFECTIVE TOOLS that can change the way you relate to each other. Take that in for a moment. We now have clear road maps and language for how to create emotional security in intimate relationships. The information, the studies, and the battle-tested stories are available to everyone. You can get on your phone or laptop at this very moment and continue your process of healing, growing, and learning. This is a vital part of the process. You need a shared language in order to communicate your experience, your desires, and your vulnerability. I highly doubt that you learned this as a child because your parents probably did not know anything about secure adult attachment. This is new stuff.
You may be able to get to where you want to be on your own. However, most couples need a jump start, new skills, and a fresh set of eyes. You probably need someone to point out where you are stuck, while it is happening, and give you guidance on how to communicate in a way that works. It's just as much of an art as it is a science. That's why very intelligent and successful people still struggle with their partners.
You MUST study and learn what WORKS for you and what WORKS for your partner. As a personal example, if I continually send the message to my wife that her emotions are not valid or welcome, I will slowly erode her emotional safety with me. She will start to feel alone, depressed, and crazy because I am sending the message to her that her BEING is not okay. If she doesn't understand how I operate, she may turn to constant criticism. I will start to feel unappreciated, angry, and bitter because she is sending me the message that I am NOT ENOUGH. Does this sound familiar?
By the same token, we both have to learn how to soothe our own nervous systems and take responsibility for the unique triggers we have around situations. These don't always make a lot of sense to us or our partners so I have to do my own research to figure out what is going on with me.
In an advanced relationship, you learn to make this as a collaborative process. When we are stuck, my wife knows how to help me and I know how to help her. It's much more efficient and gratifying than trying to figure things out by ourselves, all the time.
Hey...
Does it seem like there is something missing? Do you imagine that you both could feel happier, healthier, and more connected in your relationship.
That's normal and you don't have to stay stuck.
There are EFFECTIVE TOOLS that can change the way you relate to each other. Take that in for a moment. We now have clear road maps and language for how to create emotional security in intimate relationships. The information, the studies, and the battle-tested stories are available to everyone. You can get on your phone or laptop at this very moment and continue your process of healing, growing, and learning. This is a vital part of the process. You need a shared language in order to communicate your experience, your desires, and your vulnerability. I highly doubt that you learned this as a child because your parents probably did not know anything about secure adult attachment. This is new stuff.
You may be able to get to where you want to be on your own. However, most couples need a jump start, new skills, and a fresh set of eyes. You probably need someone to point out where you are stuck, while it is happening, and give you guidance on how to communicate in a way that works. It's just as much of an art as it is a science. That's why very intelligent and successful people still struggle with their partners.
You MUST study and learn what WORKS for you and what WORKS for your partner. As a personal example, if I continually send the message to my wife that her emotions are not valid or welcome, I will slowly erode her emotional safety with me. She will start to feel alone, depressed, and crazy because I am sending the message to her that her BEING is not okay. If she doesn't understand how I operate, she may turn to constant criticism. I will start to feel unappreciated, angry, and bitter because she is sending me the message that I am NOT ENOUGH. Does this sound familiar?
By the same token, we both have to learn how to soothe our own nervous systems and take responsibility for the unique triggers we have around situations. These don't always make a lot of sense to us or our partners so I have to do my own research to figure out what is going on with me.
In an advanced relationship, you learn to make this as a collaborative process. When we are stuck, my wife knows how to help me and I know how to help her. It's much more efficient and gratifying than trying to figure things out by ourselves, all the time.
Dear lonely partner,
Did they shut down again? Did they get defensive when you just wanted to talk? Are they refusing to get help because they don't think it will work?
That's what people do when they are upset and don't know how to handle their emotions. The good news is that this is not your responsibility to fix and you can begin to feel more secure and confident, regardless of what your partner chooses to do.
"It takes two people to continue a pattern but, it only takes one person to change it."
This is THE MOST COMMON SITUATION I encounter when people reach out to me and it makes total sense. A relationship cannot become secure if only one person is willing to work on it and this will always be the core of what you argue about. Both parties need to be ALL IN when it comes to building security. Not 75% or 90%. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.
"So, what do I do if my partner won't show up like that?"
There are many paths forward but, doing the same thing or doing nothing is not going to get you a different result. In fact, upon further inquiry, you may discover that it's easier to stay in the victim seat than it is to begin to stand up for yourself and that is part of why you're stuck. YOU have to try something DIFFERENT. If you don't know what to do, talk to a professional. That's what we are here for.
Did they shut down again? Did they get defensive when you just wanted to talk? Are they refusing to get help because they don't think it will work?
That's what people do when they are upset and don't know how to handle their emotions. The good news is that this is not your responsibility to fix and you can begin to feel more secure and confident, regardless of what your partner chooses to do.
"It takes two people to continue a pattern but, it only takes one person to change it."
This is THE MOST COMMON SITUATION I encounter when people reach out to me and it makes total sense. A relationship cannot become secure if only one person is willing to work on it and this will always be the core of what you argue about. Both parties need to be ALL IN when it comes to building security. Not 75% or 90%. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.
"So, what do I do if my partner won't show up like that?"
There are many paths forward but, doing the same thing or doing nothing is not going to get you a different result. In fact, upon further inquiry, you may discover that it's easier to stay in the victim seat than it is to begin to stand up for yourself and that is part of why you're stuck. YOU have to try something DIFFERENT. If you don't know what to do, talk to a professional. That's what we are here for.
Dear Singles,
Woohoo!
Did you finally make it out of that toxic relationship? Did you learn and grow so much in the process? Are you enjoying the freedom to live your best life?
Are you also (low-key) kind of wishing you had someone to cuddle and talk with, too?
Does dating feeling overwhelming and/ or have you struggled to find someone that you feel that spark with?
And, dating apps are like... a strange thing.
Yeah, that's the predicament of many single people in the 2020's.
I see a few consistent themes when people are feeling frustrated with dating.
#1
They have a fantasy about how relationships work. They think that both parties should be obsessed with each other from the start and things should feel easy. That is rarely the case. Too often, people mistake attraction for connection. Attraction comes from the chemicals in your brain that you have no control over. Connection comes from another person being vulnerable and continuing to show up. One will fade and the other will grow if it is tended to.
#2
People are wildly inefficient when it comes to dating. If you are going on multiple dates per week, chasing people, not trusting your gut, or waiting on responses, you are wasting your time. That's on you. Your "qualifying system" needs work. If you don't know what you want, you will spend your time guessing. You have to get ULTRA CLEAR. Do you need someone who can respond to messages within a few hours? Do you want someone who has done extensive therapy/ personal work and can speak the language? Do you desire someone who is currently ready for a long-term relationship? If so, that's your standard so stand by it. You are the boss of your own life and you get to decide what you need.
#3
You look outward and not inward. Listen, no one is going about this dating thing perfectly and people are going to trigger you and make mistakes. If you are constantly complaining about your dates or the dating process, you are going to come across as wounded, bitter, and insecure. If you haven't found a way to enjoy this process, you have to reflect on what's getting in the way, WITHIN YOU. Maybe, you don't fully trust that you can find a partner that can show up for you so you are subconsciously searching for evidence to back up your story in all of your dating experiences? This is the type of inquiry that will help set you free.
For Single People, I focus on "You-Centered Dating". You are in the driver seat and the world is not the problem.
Woohoo!
Did you finally make it out of that toxic relationship? Did you learn and grow so much in the process? Are you enjoying the freedom to live your best life?
Are you also (low-key) kind of wishing you had someone to cuddle and talk with, too?
Does dating feeling overwhelming and/ or have you struggled to find someone that you feel that spark with?
And, dating apps are like... a strange thing.
Yeah, that's the predicament of many single people in the 2020's.
I see a few consistent themes when people are feeling frustrated with dating.
#1
They have a fantasy about how relationships work. They think that both parties should be obsessed with each other from the start and things should feel easy. That is rarely the case. Too often, people mistake attraction for connection. Attraction comes from the chemicals in your brain that you have no control over. Connection comes from another person being vulnerable and continuing to show up. One will fade and the other will grow if it is tended to.
#2
People are wildly inefficient when it comes to dating. If you are going on multiple dates per week, chasing people, not trusting your gut, or waiting on responses, you are wasting your time. That's on you. Your "qualifying system" needs work. If you don't know what you want, you will spend your time guessing. You have to get ULTRA CLEAR. Do you need someone who can respond to messages within a few hours? Do you want someone who has done extensive therapy/ personal work and can speak the language? Do you desire someone who is currently ready for a long-term relationship? If so, that's your standard so stand by it. You are the boss of your own life and you get to decide what you need.
#3
You look outward and not inward. Listen, no one is going about this dating thing perfectly and people are going to trigger you and make mistakes. If you are constantly complaining about your dates or the dating process, you are going to come across as wounded, bitter, and insecure. If you haven't found a way to enjoy this process, you have to reflect on what's getting in the way, WITHIN YOU. Maybe, you don't fully trust that you can find a partner that can show up for you so you are subconsciously searching for evidence to back up your story in all of your dating experiences? This is the type of inquiry that will help set you free.
For Single People, I focus on "You-Centered Dating". You are in the driver seat and the world is not the problem.
How does my coaching process work?
1. We need to chat for at least a few minutes and get clear about your goals and if I can help you. You can do that by clicking the link below.
2. We will decide on a plan of action. The minimum amount of time I will work with an individual/ couple is 1 month. I need to see what happens when I give you homework.
3. I send you electronic paperwork.
4. We schedule and get started.
It's that simple...
What is the cost?
I coach people for a minimum of 1 month and that starts @ $600. If you cannot afford $600, I can easily refer you to other skilled coaches in my network so there is no need to let money prevent you from getting help.
1. We need to chat for at least a few minutes and get clear about your goals and if I can help you. You can do that by clicking the link below.
2. We will decide on a plan of action. The minimum amount of time I will work with an individual/ couple is 1 month. I need to see what happens when I give you homework.
3. I send you electronic paperwork.
4. We schedule and get started.
It's that simple...
What is the cost?
I coach people for a minimum of 1 month and that starts @ $600. If you cannot afford $600, I can easily refer you to other skilled coaches in my network so there is no need to let money prevent you from getting help.