As you think back on your life, where did you learn how to do relationship? Or, a better question may be, did ANYONE ever teach you anything about adult relationships?
For most of us, we watched our parents and then did our best to figure it out on our own with the help of our friends. Fast forward and we grew into adults. We learned how to cook for ourselves, hold down jobs, raise kids, buy a house, and drive a car, but we still never learned anything about how adult relationships work.
There are essentially two places to end up if you don't know how to create a secure attachment with your partner. The first is that you get really good at avoiding conflict by avoiding difficult conversations, staying busy, and sweeping things under the rug. The second is that you habitually bicker, fight, and compete against each other. Sometimes, there is a mix of both.
For the couple's that Fight, there is usually so much blame towards the other person that resentment begins to build and negative memories start to calcify. Attention may be paid to making things look good on the outside while conflicts boil and overflow at home. Chaos, yelling, no sex, substance abuse, and silent treatments become part of the routine.
For the Avoiders, they may be so entrenched in denial that they may have a tough time recognizing the dissonance in themselves. However, they may start to manifest things like anxiety, depression, a lackluster sex life, numbing behaviors and chronic illness. I call this "Roommate Syndrome". You get along but, the romance is gone.
So, what do you do if you are heading towards one of these places? Do you just....try harder? That's what you need to do, right? That's what you're supposed to do. And, if you can't do it, maybe you just aren't cut out to have an awesome relationship?
You need to learn, grow, and practice. It's possible that no one ever sat with you and helped you feel understood in your experience. If that was never modeled, you may have no idea how to do that with your partner either. It makes sense that so many people believe that their relationship life is as good as it's ever going to get because they've never seen anyone do relationship in a NEW WAY.
This NEW WAY is called Conscious Partnership.
In Conscious Partnership, you're a team. You know how to create "win-win's" with each other. You understand how to do Conflict. You aren't stressed out all the time. You often have the experience that your partner really "gets you". You help each other create the type of life that has you feeling excited. You have energy to go out and enjoy your life more!
Books and podcasts are great resources, but the real work comes when you get into the arena and really practice. To get better at relationships fast, you need real-time, "in the moment" guidance to break out of your old patterns and develop new ways of relating. There are no shortcuts to doing this work.
What can Relationship Coaching help?
- Learning how to resolve petty arguments
- Loss of Intimacy and Emotional Connection
- Team Decision Making
- Voicing Needs and Desires
- Feeling Stuck and Frustrated
- Navigating Major Life Changes
- Learning Productive Conflict
- Creating Safety and Fun in the Relationship
I typically meet with individuals for 1 hour and couples for 1 1/2 hours. Most people meet with me 2-4 times per month.
* For Couples, Singles, and Individuals within a Partnership